Friday, October 15, 2004

What would you do with an extra $2000?

I can think of a lot of things I would do with that kind of money, but satire would not be one of the first things I'd think of. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your views), M. Dennis Moore did think of it.

Moore wrote 4 arguments "in favor" of Measure 36 for the voters' pamphlet, at $500 a pop. In fact, his entries are the first 3 and the second to last entries in the voters' pamphlet.

Here are a few samples (all emphasis in original):


The Bible says that marriage is for procreation. God made Adam and Eve, and Adam and Eve made Cain and Abel, not an empty nest.

Marriage is for procreation. If you're not pro-Creation, you're anti-God. And once a marriage has been solemnized, sex is serious business. The solemnity of sex must not be abused for sinful pleasures. Sex is for procreation, not recreation. And marriage is for breeding purposes.

Therefore, it should be Oregon public policy that

  • Homosexuals may not marry.
  • Infertile persons may not marry.
  • Men with vasectomies may not marry.
  • Women with hysterectomies may not marry.
  • Post-menopausal women may not marry.
  • Persons planning to use birth control may not marry.
  • Non-virgins may not marry (Deuteronomy 22:13-21).
  • Inter-racial couples may not marry (Deuteronomy 7:3).

And couples who fail to conceive within two years ought to have their marriage licenses revoked.

Additionally, the Bible says that

  • Divorced persons may not marry (Luke 16:18).
  • And if a man dies without leaving a male heir, it is his brother's responsibility to impregnate the widow (Genesis 38:6-10). If he refuses, he shall be fined one shoe (Deuteronomy 25:5-10).

    This is the sacred word of the Lord, steadfast and unchanging.

    Traditional morality must become Oregon public policy. All of it. And the older the tradition, the better. The separation of church and state be damned. In order to protect the sanctity of marriage and the sacred institution of heterosexual procreation, unequal treatment and discrimination must be legislated consistently against all persons who cannot or will not breed as God intended. It is God's will that we multiply and fill the Earth and finally subdue it when the population explosion self-implodes. Praise God!

    Love is not good enough a reason to marry, because marriage is only for


(This information furnished by M. Dennis Moore, Defense of Heterosexual Breeding Coalition.)

This one is my favorite:


Frightening new unprecedented social changes are threatening old traditional values. And these attacks on tradition have been escalating--for millennia!

First there was Original Sin when Eve disobeyed God! Then the Flood! Then Abraham abandoned the traditional practice of human sacrifice! Then Jews instituted the modern covenant of circumcision! Then Moses brought down from Mount Sinai a bunch of new-fangled Laws on stone tablets! And later Jesus abolished them and preached instead the radical new Golden Rule!

Polygamy fell out of favor! Women were no longer mere pieces of property belonging to men! Next these uppity women demanded the right to vote! Families could no longer own slaves! Prohibition saved the family from destruction by Demon Rum! The nineteenth-century extended families on American farms were destroyed by the 1950s social engineering of the "Leave It to Beaver" suburban cookie-cutter nuclear families! Blacks refused to ride in the back of the bus! Women demanded equal pay for equal work! Single parents demanded respect! Gays and lesbians demanded an end to hatred and oppression! Flower children protested traditional mass-murder warfare and genocide! Divorce skyrocketed! The silence surrounding child abuse was broken!

Frightening social changes continued! And then the religious right began a righteous backlash! First they accused gays and lesbians of being promiscuous! And when this failed, they began accusing them of having long-term committed monogamous relationships and wanting to get married!

Where will it all end? After 6,000-some years of frightening attacks on old traditional values, will history never cease to unfold? Will God never stop throwing all of these radical social changes at us?

My friends, there is a simple answer. All you have to do is


It's really that simple!

Now, which one of these radical social changes will this measure turn the clock back to? Oh, come on, let's just


(This information furnished by M. Dennis Moore, The Beaver State Defense of Beaver Coalition.)

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