Sunday, March 06, 2005
Notice for Alas Readers
Anyone who regularly reads Alas may have noticed that it's down. Turns out that they've been kicked off their server (again). Amp has asked that I put up a notice here, so any cross-over readers will know what's going on, and to reassure you that Alas will be back soon. More details about the tech side of things can be found here.
Friday, March 04, 2005
But women do it, too
In one of the links provided by Sarahlynn (see previous post), I came across an incredibly powerful and persuasive essay on the subject of the "best interests for children" in custody cases that involve domestic violence. The entire article is incredible, but I wanted to point out one part in particular -- one of the best responses to the "but women do it too" diversions I've ever read.
From What is Fair for Children of Abusive Men? by Jack C. Straton, Ph.D.
From What is Fair for Children of Abusive Men? by Jack C. Straton, Ph.D.
In the process, I am going to talk today about the effects of male power and control over children, not about parental power and control. I know that it is popular these days to de-gender family conflict, to talk about "spouse abuse" and "family violence" rather than "wife beating" and "rape." I know that we want a society in which men nurture children to the same extent that women do.
I know that fathers and mothers should both be capable parents. But if you ask "What about the kids?" I want to give you a serious answer. I cannot seriously entertain the myth that our society really is gender neutral, so to consider "What about the kids?" while pretending such neutrality is to engage in denial and cognitive dissonance. I cannot hope to arrive at an answer that will positively affect reality if my underlying assumptions are based on fantasy.
So I am going to talk today about the effects of male power and control over children, not about parental power and control. As I cite examples, some of you may hear your internal voice saying, "But women do that, too." As this happens I would ask you to be aware that such voices are often the voice of guilt that try to distract us from what we really know about men's violence so that we need not take responsibility for this violence.
It is true, for example, that some women do batter men. But the number of severe cases of this type is so low when compared with the virtual war of men's violence against women, that they cannot be seen above the statistical noise. This voice that says "But women do that, too" has as its purpose, not compassion for battered men or lesbians, but a distraction from the noble goal of ending battering of women.
So as you hear this voice today, become consciously aware of it. Let it into your conscious mind for a moment, and then let it drift on. It is just a tape recording that you can always come back to in an hour or two if there is a need. If you find that you just can't contain this voice, that others must hear this tape recording, please do not hesitate to raise a hand or even to shout it out. We will pause to give it some space.
Why doesn't she just leave?
Sarahlynn at Yeah, but Houdini didn't have these hips has an excellent series (is 2 a series?) of posts on Domestic Violence and answering the question, "Why didn't she just leave?"
Sarahlynn's posts are moving and powerful, and there's not much I can add to them. But that's never stopped me before.
Her first reason why an abused woman might not leave her abuser is, IMO, one of the most powerful and important ones, and the one that most people understand the least:
I have a personal philosophy (learned through years of experience): The more charming a man is, the farther away a woman should stay. Because here's the thing -- an abuser does not start using abusive behavior at the beginning of a relationship -- it can take months, often even years, before he starts abusing. Abusers often have a history of being abusive. In some cases, they may genuinely feel that they are not going to be abusive this time. Regardless, they know the possibility of abuse is there, so they overcompensate by being overwhelmingly charming -- to the woman in a new relationship and to outsiders.
In addition, no abuser is abusive all of the time. Even after abuse has happened, there are often times when an abuser is quite apologetic, caring, and loving. In the cycle of abuse, this is referred to as the "honeymoon period." During this stage, and abuser is often remorseful, making promises that the abuse will not happen again, often volunteering to get help in changing, making heartfelt declarations of love.
During these times, a woman genuinely feels that she is loved (and, truth be told, she probably is -- although it's not a healthy love). She genuinely wants to believe his promises, because she doesn't want to have to leave the man she loves. And when he's in this stage, he really can show her how much he loves her.
And, she doesn't want to be alone: all people in our society, but especially women, are socialized to believe that there is something wrong with being alone. People (especially women) fear that if they leave, they may never find another person to be with; that this is as good as it gets. The bad times may be bad, but at least she has the good times to go along with it; at least she's not alone.
When talking with the women staying in the shelter I work in, I strongly discourage them from calling their abusers. Part of that is the whole confidentiality thing; but frankly, the main reason is because it is one of the primary reasons a woman will return to her abuser. After a couple of weeks, the memory of the abuse has faded somewhat (just as the memory of the pain of childbirth fades). The abuser is often desperate to regain control of her, and will do anything to get her back. The promises of change and the declarations of love combined with the faded memories of abuse, the love she feels for him, and her fear of being alone are oftentimes too powerful and undermine her resolve to leave him. This is one of the main reasons that it takes a woman, on average, 4 - 7 times to leave her abuser for good.
Related to this issue is guilt. The guilt women feel due to their being socialized to take on the burdens of all of their loved ones. Last week, I spent a good portion of my week encouraging a woman not to go back to her abuser, of letting her know that the contract she was going to make him sign making him go to batterer intervention and "really working on the issue" was not going to be enforceable when he's choking her the next time. When he tried to apologize, she was able (after talking to me and other staff people) to see through it. When he tried to diminish the harm he had done, she was able to see through it. But what she couldn't get past was her own guilt. He was having to take time off of work (as a bank manager) because of "this situation." He was feeling "bad" about being a "wife beater." They had just moved here not too long ago, and he was struggling with pressure from work, and this was making everything so much worse for him. She couldn't undo that socialization that she was the one who needed to take care of him, despite the fact that he was the one who put himself into this situation.
Love is a powerful emotion. And it can be used as a powerful weapon. Until we, as a society and as individuals, recognize this, we will not be able to stop the cycle of abuse.
Sarahlynn's posts are moving and powerful, and there's not much I can add to them. But that's never stopped me before.
Her first reason why an abused woman might not leave her abuser is, IMO, one of the most powerful and important ones, and the one that most people understand the least:
Abusers are often very smart, very talented, very convincing. They might seem like wonderful men to family and friends. They might seem very honestly apologetic after the fact. And many of us took Psych 101. We know that we respond very well to inconsistent systems of reward and punishment. We love gambling. We prefer stocks to bonds.
Yet in the present case we have a man who, though he beats his wife, is often very charismatic to the rest of the world, and perhaps to his kids. And even if he beats his kids as well, it is known that intermittent affection can be a stronger binding agent than consistent affection. We also have a man who has demonstrated his power over another human being through brutality.
I have a personal philosophy (learned through years of experience): The more charming a man is, the farther away a woman should stay. Because here's the thing -- an abuser does not start using abusive behavior at the beginning of a relationship -- it can take months, often even years, before he starts abusing. Abusers often have a history of being abusive. In some cases, they may genuinely feel that they are not going to be abusive this time. Regardless, they know the possibility of abuse is there, so they overcompensate by being overwhelmingly charming -- to the woman in a new relationship and to outsiders.
In addition, no abuser is abusive all of the time. Even after abuse has happened, there are often times when an abuser is quite apologetic, caring, and loving. In the cycle of abuse, this is referred to as the "honeymoon period." During this stage, and abuser is often remorseful, making promises that the abuse will not happen again, often volunteering to get help in changing, making heartfelt declarations of love.
During these times, a woman genuinely feels that she is loved (and, truth be told, she probably is -- although it's not a healthy love). She genuinely wants to believe his promises, because she doesn't want to have to leave the man she loves. And when he's in this stage, he really can show her how much he loves her.
And, she doesn't want to be alone: all people in our society, but especially women, are socialized to believe that there is something wrong with being alone. People (especially women) fear that if they leave, they may never find another person to be with; that this is as good as it gets. The bad times may be bad, but at least she has the good times to go along with it; at least she's not alone.
When talking with the women staying in the shelter I work in, I strongly discourage them from calling their abusers. Part of that is the whole confidentiality thing; but frankly, the main reason is because it is one of the primary reasons a woman will return to her abuser. After a couple of weeks, the memory of the abuse has faded somewhat (just as the memory of the pain of childbirth fades). The abuser is often desperate to regain control of her, and will do anything to get her back. The promises of change and the declarations of love combined with the faded memories of abuse, the love she feels for him, and her fear of being alone are oftentimes too powerful and undermine her resolve to leave him. This is one of the main reasons that it takes a woman, on average, 4 - 7 times to leave her abuser for good.
Related to this issue is guilt. The guilt women feel due to their being socialized to take on the burdens of all of their loved ones. Last week, I spent a good portion of my week encouraging a woman not to go back to her abuser, of letting her know that the contract she was going to make him sign making him go to batterer intervention and "really working on the issue" was not going to be enforceable when he's choking her the next time. When he tried to apologize, she was able (after talking to me and other staff people) to see through it. When he tried to diminish the harm he had done, she was able to see through it. But what she couldn't get past was her own guilt. He was having to take time off of work (as a bank manager) because of "this situation." He was feeling "bad" about being a "wife beater." They had just moved here not too long ago, and he was struggling with pressure from work, and this was making everything so much worse for him. She couldn't undo that socialization that she was the one who needed to take care of him, despite the fact that he was the one who put himself into this situation.
Love is a powerful emotion. And it can be used as a powerful weapon. Until we, as a society and as individuals, recognize this, we will not be able to stop the cycle of abuse.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Location Meme
bold the states you've been to, underline the states you've lived in and italicize the state you're in now...
Alabama / Alaska / Arizona / Arkansas / California / Colorado / Connecticut / Delaware / Florida / Georgia / Hawaii / Idaho / Illinois / Indiana / Iowa / Kansas / Kentucky / Louisiana / Maine / Maryland / Massachusetts / Michigan / Minnesota / Mississippi / Missouri / Montana / Nebraska / Nevada / New Hampshire / New Jersey / New Mexico / New York / North Carolina / North Dakota / Ohio / Oklahoma / Oregon / Pennsylvania / Rhode Island / South Carolina / South Dakota / Tennessee / Texas / Utah / Vermont / Virginia / Washington / West Virginia / Wisconsin / Wyoming / Washington D.C /
Go HERE to have a form generate the HTML for you.
via Lab Kat
Alabama / Alaska / Arizona / Arkansas / California / Colorado / Connecticut / Delaware / Florida / Georgia / Hawaii / Idaho / Illinois / Indiana / Iowa / Kansas / Kentucky / Louisiana / Maine / Maryland / Massachusetts / Michigan / Minnesota / Mississippi / Missouri / Montana / Nebraska / Nevada / New Hampshire / New Jersey / New Mexico / New York / North Carolina / North Dakota / Ohio / Oklahoma / Oregon / Pennsylvania / Rhode Island / South Carolina / South Dakota / Tennessee / Texas / Utah / Vermont / Virginia / Washington / West Virginia / Wisconsin / Wyoming / Washington D.C /
Go HERE to have a form generate the HTML for you.
via Lab Kat
Congrats to blue lily
Thanks to some helpful prodding by Alsis, blue lily has been more active on her blog, The Gimp Parade. I've been a long-time admirer of lily's, and I'm pleased as punch to see her writing on her blog more. I've always had immense respect for her writing and her insights on disability politics.
And now, I'm not the only one. The online disability magazine, Ragged Edge, has taken notice and is going to be publishing some of her writing.
And now, I'm not the only one. The online disability magazine, Ragged Edge, has taken notice and is going to be publishing some of her writing.
The Invisibility of Feminism
Antigone at XX, Lauren at feministe, and Rox Populi have all encouraged -- to put it nicely ;) -- women bloggers to take this survey. So, I did it, and I'll encourage other women to do the same.
When I got to the question 9 (magazines you subscribe to) I noticed that out of 92 magazines to coose from, there was not one single feminist magazine listed.
Maxim and Men's Health are both listed (of course). American Rifleman and NRA Rifleman, Aviation Week, 2 magazines for Mac users, to name just a few of the "hobby" magazines; several mainstream and leftist political/news mags, TV Guide, People, Cosmo. But not one single feminist magazine.
And yes, feminist magazines exist:
Yes, some of these are "journals" rather than magazines, but then so is JAMA, and that made it on the list. And they can include Aviation Week, why not Woman Pilot?
This is yet another example of how feminism is made invisible in our society. Feminism is here, and it's about time people started acknowledging it.
When I got to the question 9 (magazines you subscribe to) I noticed that out of 92 magazines to coose from, there was not one single feminist magazine listed.
Maxim and Men's Health are both listed (of course). American Rifleman and NRA Rifleman, Aviation Week, 2 magazines for Mac users, to name just a few of the "hobby" magazines; several mainstream and leftist political/news mags, TV Guide, People, Cosmo. But not one single feminist magazine.
And yes, feminist magazines exist:
- Bamboo Girl
- Bitch
- blackgirl Magazine
- Bust
- Feminist Review
- Fierce Magazine
- Good Girl Magazine
- Herizons
- Hip Mama
- Hypatia: A Journal of Feminist Philosophy
- Journal of International Women's Studies
- Journal of Middle East Women's Studies
- Ms.
- Meridians
- Off Our Backs
- ROCKRGRL
- She Magazine
- Woman Pilot
- Womanist Theory and Research
- Women in the Arts
- World Pulse
Yes, some of these are "journals" rather than magazines, but then so is JAMA, and that made it on the list. And they can include Aviation Week, why not Woman Pilot?
This is yet another example of how feminism is made invisible in our society. Feminism is here, and it's about time people started acknowledging it.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Links
- Have you ever had a secret that you really wanted to get off your chest, but couldn't dare tell anyone you know? Or maybe you're one of those people who likes to read other people's secrets. Either way, you should check out PostSecret. Hundreds (maybe thousands) of people have contributed so far to this on-going art project, wherein people are invited to creatively use a postcard to reveal a secret that they have never shared with anyone else. via Worshipping at the Altar of Mediocrity
- Media Girl takes a look the irony of the U.S. Government condemning human rights abuses in Iraq:
Who the fuck is the Bush Administration to condemn Iraq for acts of turture and human rights abuses that the Bush Administration itself advocated and administered in the very same country at the very same time?
- Black Looks takes a look at the effectiveness of judicial intervention in foreign affairs. Also be sure to check out her synopsis of the 19th FESPACO (Pan African Film and Television Festival of Ouagadougou) which opened this week in Ouagadougou, the capital of Burkina Faso in West Africa.
- Jessica at feministing gives us a sneak peek of a publication she's been working on that is coming out tomorrow: Beijing Betrayed: Women Worldwide Report that Governments Have Failed to Turn the Platform into Action. I'm intrigued.
- Romance novel covers don't really need to be parodied -- they're pretty silly to begin with. But that didn't stop someone from doing just that anyway. via (...Paranthetically Speaking)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
